Awake at 12:43 a.m. stressing over life. Exactly what I wish to be doing right about now. I am trying to go onto a site where I can talk about mental illness and get support but that’s just stressing me out. I am trying to access ForLikeMinds but it is stressing me out. Driven Industries on youtube and the discord chat for mental health has been somwhat useful. Thoughts. My depression and depressive thoughts are always ever lurking, telling me things I don’t want to hear. As its April, almost May the weather has spruced up but I still feel like garbage. School. Graaduation. That is another life event that IS STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT. Sorry for ssearing but it is. I passed my social diploma exam and course, so yay, but I still have my english course to do. And I have 2 months to do it. I think I can I think I can I think I can. Positive affirmations and constant whittling away at each module should have me be able to finish but I am still nervous I won’t finish in time. Oh. I forgot to mention that I still need to go through college applications and housing and all that jazz. I plan on working in a kennel, so having my vet technician or vet assisstant course will help but I haven’t even applied ro a college yet. And truly, I’m scared of working because I might mess up and do something wrong. With the right training that should never happen but it is still a fear of mine. Plus with going to college means getting a job, which, unless you live in a city, requires transportation. I am wanting to drive. I personally feel ready. But its going to be so expensive with insurance I don’t know if I will actually be able to afford it. Oh and money and investing and saving for retirement. I plan on opening añ investment account so that’s stressing me out plus having to wait for my disability tax credit which allows me to open an RDSP, is on hold since somehow I opened my account back in 2017 and wasn’t approved for one but I still managed to open the account somehow. So thats on hold for right now. So I gotta wait on the CRA to approve it. And my stress/emotions/depression isn’t helping me. Just a big fuck u to the world right now. Also, adding this so my therapist can read this: I am scared. Scared of what the next winter will bring in terms of mood. I haven’t felt particularly suicidal as in the thoughts are always still there but the force upon which to act on them has been bearable. I am trying. I am trying so hard to ignore my demons but I succumb to them at times. Those who are close to me, not too sure how many friends I can say this about but my family can see my pain, my depression, its palpable, yet when someone gives a figurative hand to hold I flinch and cower. I am missing connection, I need someone’s hand to hold, a strong body I can hug and release my pent upness of sad. My depression doesn’t allow me to cry in solitude, instead I am left broken, unable to feel, I can be empathetic just not towards my inner self. I still put blame on myself for everthing that has happened, or almost everytging that has happened since 2012. Dude life sucks. It sucks balls. Not at a stage of wanting kill myself…but I wouldn’t angry if I were to suddenly die to an unforseen accident. Gotta get this out. Fuuucccckkkk!!! Fuckity fuck fuck. So thankful to my mom for giving me this stuffed dog ⬇️
Tomorrow is a new day. Well I guess today is tomorrow as its 1:45 a.m. but whatever. Peace. ✌
“Cause I need a dollar, dollar, would you share your dollar with me?”
Ugh. My emotions are stupid af right now. My mind literally can’t shut off. To quote Macklemore, “Been scared of the future, thinking about the past. While missing out on now. Those ‘Good Ol’ Days’, ”
With the weather change comes my depression rearing her big ugly head. I think I’m gonna call her Susan. She’s a f-ing b-tch. Always trying to ruin my happiness. Lately though? She’s been taking the happy outta happiness. So all that I’m left with is ness. What is ‘ness’? There’s nothing there so it is ssfe to say it’s emptiness. A void. An empty space of nothing. No joy. No feeling. No, not even sadness. Nothing. How do I go on? I am not sure. How have I held on for so long? Again, I DON’T KNOW. However, it’s working, even though I don’t know where this strength is coming from. Hold up, how am I even sure this is strength? Perhaps it’s me being paralyzed in or by fear. Fear of how to react and fear of what to do next. Again. How do I continue? Though continue I must. I can. I will. I am with some peeps I can call my second family so I am safe. Just wanted to get the mess of my thoughts into words and sentences so they make sense to me. Thanks and bye for now. 👋
Ahhh, that sweet death metal screamo type music, now that’s the stuff, isn’t it? Ok, yeah your’e right, it’s not. Lol. My cup of tea is a blended mixture of different genres. It’s not an even mixture either. Some days I will be all up in my feelings listening to one of Vexento’s hypnotic melodies or singing along to an Alan Walker hit such as Faded, Alone, or The Spectre. Perhaps I feel like throwing down and listening to some rap such as Abstract, Hendersin, or maybe some Ivan B. The possibilities are really endless, both on Spotify and on Youtube. Seriously though, go listen to Vexento’s Move Forward on Youtube. Maybe you are feeling a little bouncy? Try some Return of the Raver. Or perhaps some dubstep by DJ Vanic. I’m thinking Can’t Sleep? Or maybe Make Me Fade? Ya that’s the stuff. Ok so next how about some Neverland by Abstract sampling Ruth B.? When I was in the hospital I am told that when Ruth B.’s song, Lost Boy, came on on the radio I would sing along to it. This was a pretty remarkable event because I wasn’t suppose to have any memory at the point in time. I may or may not explore that, I am on the fence.
Anyways, music has such a huge impact on us, both physically and emotionally. It can help us through the tough times and lift us up or be a quiet friend, always listening, and never judging. The thing about music is that it is both a best friend and a safe mode of transportation.
I started this blog with a simple post 12 days ago saying thanks for joining me and that’s all that encompassed it. I’d like to introduce myself more formally though; however I don’t know how much I will share. Also I don’t know exactly how much I actually can share due to some legal limitations. So I won’t even bother with that stuff for right now. I will delve into my life obsessions to start. I am a dog fanatic and love them to bits as you will come to learn as you get to know me better. I am kinda sorta on a hiatus right now but that’s partially due me lacking motivation for a lack of better words. I am a hobby enthusiast, with it being mostly geared towards craft that fly (planes/helicopters/quads). My interest in things that fly, both living and nonliving things, started in grade school. Grade 6 science focuses on flight for a portion but I had a fascination that started before then. From watching passenger jets land or takeoff or to insect and bird watching, from dragonflies to crows or pigeons to geese. So ya, again, just reiterating this blogs purpose. Just a place I can write down my thoughts or certain events I like in my life. Cool. Bye for now. 🙂 👋
So Sunday Aug. 19 at 10 in the morning I started an incredible journey, and one that would leave my muscles in pain for the majority of the following days. I ran in the Edmonton Servus Credit Union half marathon (21.1k). Thus I am only half crazy compared to if I ran a full marathon (which I do want to do). My finishing time was as stated:
Now me being me (competitive > non-competitive) I think and feel as though I could do better. I need to practice my long runs greater than 10k and fuelling during my run (ie. using gels over a simple banana). My longest run beforehand was a 7.5k run, and it was on a trail so I probably should’ve practised on the road as this was a road race.
Emotions. This was a huge achievement for me and I am the first in my family to accomplish this, yet I still feel meh about it. My mom was crying because she was so proud. I wasn’t holding back tears, as I could definitely feel my eyes getting teary, but it never passed the floodgates. I was and am still proud of this achievement as a little more than 2 years ago (June/July 2016) I was in the Halvar Jonson Centre for Brain Injury relearning to walk again. (I might make another blog and attach it to this one about that journey)